gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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