Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
