i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
