did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
