i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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