Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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