But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
