he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
