I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
