dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
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