Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
