no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
