tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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