saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
