Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
