the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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