What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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