I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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