apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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