boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
