You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
