He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
