My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
