Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
