It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
