It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
