I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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