If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
