i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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