She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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