You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
