if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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