She is in my trunk
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
