so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
