I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
