Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
