so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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