People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
