we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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