I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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