i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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