its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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