I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Randomize
