I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
