i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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