I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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