I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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