i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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