Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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