What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
